How to Make New Friends in Midlife and Beyond
Perhaps you’re an empty nester, newly retired, or you’ve moved to a new city—there are many reasons why you may want to build community in the later chapters of life. Making new friends is not just about improving your quality of life; research shows that strong social connections are associated with longevity and reduced risk of illness (such as anxiety, depression, diabetes, dementia, and heart disease).
“We have evolved as a social species. In 95 percent of human evolution, when a person was separated from a group, their survival was threatened. Therefore, just like thirst or hunger, there’s a natural drive to be connected to others rather than lead a solitary life,” says Steven Crane, MS, social health researcher and head of the Stanford Lifestyle Medicine Social Engagement pillar.
“Since loneliness has been linked with not only mental health but also physical illness, it’s essential to prioritize our social health on par with exercise and nutrition as we age.”
Crane explains that feeling lonely can cause stress in the body on two levels. First, our body processes separation like any other survival threat: as a stressor. This raises cortisol, which can be especially problematic when loneliness is chronic. Secondly, when we experience other stressors in our lives, such as at work or with finances, we lack a social network to support us emotionally and buffer those stressors.
“When we are feeling lonely and having thoughts like, ‘I don’t belong, I don’t have a group, or I’m not good enough,’ the first step is to recognize that these feelings can be are intense because a hundred thousand years ago, they indicated a threat to our survival,” says Crane. “In the modern context, however, solitude doesn’t necessarily imply immediate physical harm, so we can reassure ourselves that we will be okay; we will live to socialize another day. Once we’ve calmed our nervous systems, we can then take action to improve our social health.”
Quality is More Important than Quantity
Crane explains that while we don’t yet have national guidelines for connection like we do for nutrition, you might aim for the “5-3-1” guideline for social health from Kasley Killam:
- 5 interactions per week with different people or social groups
- 3 deep interactions with your close circle per month
- 1 hour per day dedicated to social connection
Crane says we should also aim to have at least one neighbor whom you could call in the middle of the night if you needed to. Some surveys find that more than half of US adults don’t have one nearby person they can count on, even though they might have several acquaintances or live in dense urban neighborhoods where hundreds of people are within walking distance of their homes.
“Most people wish they had someone to call in the middle of the night, and they would like to be that person for someone else, but nobody initiates,” says Crane. “Humans are naturally pro-social, cooperative, and want to help each other. So don’t let the fears hold you back from reaching out.”
As a first step to making new friends, Crane recommends starting hyper-local, such as with your neighbors. Many of us live in close quarters but don’t know any of our neighbors, so we can start by taking more walks and mustering the courage to wave and say, “hello,” and strike up a pleasant conversation. If you’re more ambitious, you can organize a block party and put invitations into your neighbors’ mailboxes.
“It’s important to keep an open mind and keep expectations low. If you put out 20 invitations, even if only two people attend, those are two potential new friends you can continue to spend time with. And then the other 18 people are now acquaintances whom you could connect with at another time,” says Crane. “Making a couple friends in your neighborhood is all you need, and these close-by friendships will more likely deepen since it’s convenient and not a huge effort to make ongoing plans in the future.”
Skills Needed for Making New Friends
Making new friends in midlife and beyond has its unique challenges, but there are skills we can learn to be more successful in this endeavor.
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Friendliness and resilience skills
Many people don’t strike up conversations with strangers out of fear of rejection or the notion that people don’t want to be bothered. However, studies show that most people are pleasantly surprised when someone initiates a friendly conversation and that these small positive social interactions can make someone’s day.
Perhaps saying, “hello, how are you?” to a stranger at a coffee shop or on the bus feels too daunting, so Crane advises choosing strangers who share commonalities. For example, if you are attending your child’s graduation, it could be easy to kick off a conversation with the person sitting next to you, and since you both have a child of the same age and may live in the same area, they are more likely to reciprocate. Or, if you’re attending a sports event, chatting it up with those seated around you about the game could be a less risky way to build your skill of friendliness.
“If you’re afraid that the stranger you’re saying ‘Hi’ to won’t reciprocate, remember that most people are looking for connection and they have these same fears of putting themselves out there,” says Crane. “It’s true, sometimes people won’t reciprocate, so you may want to be selective about who you strike up conversations with. When you have enough successful conversations with these ‘less-risky’ strangers, you become more resilient to the folks who don’t reciprocate. Just like any skill, it becomes easier with practice, and if you keep showing up, you’ll inevitably make new friends and strengthen your social health.”
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Conversation skills
Now that you understand how important making new friends is for your health, you may be wondering what to say when you’re about to strike up a friendly conversation at your next neighborhood gathering.
Crane explains that making a new friend is a step-by-step process, starting with a smile, saying, “hello,” and perhaps asking a surface-level question, like “How do you know the host?” The next step is to assess whether they are open to a conversation, then ask a follow-up question. Crane says that it’s important to attend to the other person with curiosity, presence, and positive regard so that they feel comfortable.
“If I sense the other person is open for a deeper conversation, a follow-up question I use a lot is ‘I’m really interested in lifestyle medicine. What have you done this week for self-care?’,” says Crane. “That question is the perfect blend of not being too intrusive or vulnerable, but still more interesting and personal than simply talking about the weather.”
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Contribution is the key
A great way to meet new people is to take a class at your local recreation center or pick up a hobby that involves a group, such as a hiking or political group. This way, first-time conversations can revolve around the common interest that brought you together, such as, “Hi there, what brought you here today?” or “How long have you been painting or into pickleball?”
However, Crane’s number one recommendation for making new friends in midlife is to volunteer. By getting involved with your community, either at your children’s school, feeding the homeless, tending local gardens, or helping people connect and have fun at local recreation leagues, these organizations all need volunteers to keep their programs going.
“When you want to grow your social network, I recommend that you ask yourself, ‘How can I contribute to my community and be a resource to others?” says Crane. “Finding ways to contribute while doing things that light you up—that’s the best way to meet new people that are like-minded and have similar interests, and to find people who will appreciate you and want to get to know you more.”
