What is Equanimity and How Can it Improve Difficult Relationships?
Many have heard of the book “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins, but most don’t realize that the theory is influenced by an ancient mindfulness concept called equanimity.
Equanimity can be defined as non-reactivity, emotional stability, or a steadiness of mind. We are equanimous when we remain calm and composed, especially during challenging conversations or situations. Achieving resilience and balance amidst life’s challenges is the north star for many mindfulness practitioners.
“There is a mindfulness principle that suffering is the result of wishing things were different, so when it comes to our relationships, we suffer a lot,” says Sarah Meyer Tapia, PhD, Certified Mindfulness Facilitator and Head of the Stress Management pillar of Stanford Lifestyle Medicine. “But, when we cultivate equanimity, we can start to accept people as they are; we become less reactive and more understanding in our relationships, and ultimately we suffer less.”
How To Cultivate Equanimity
When we feel a surge of agitation in the nervous system, mindfulness is our first step. We can pause, take a deep breath, relax the belly, and bring awareness to our emotions. Being present—or mindful—with our emotions without judgement helps us to slow down and begin to cultivate equanimity by repeating the following phrases:
“Things are as they are; may I accept things just as they are.”
“They are as they are; may I accept them just as they are.”
It’s important to remember that acceptance does not mean that you condone bad behavior or say that a harmful situation is “okay.” Additionally, equanimity is not about passively surrendering, ignoring a problem, or avoiding hard conversations. Oftentimes, the next right thing involves taking action, but since we are operating from the reasoning part of our brain, we are better able to take wise action.
“Equanimity is a practice of acknowledging what is true, admitting what is really happening,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia. “So, we can either spend all our energy wishing or pretending things were different, or we can use the equanimity practice to finally see and admit the truth about a person or situation and then ask ourselves, ‘What are we going to do about it? How am I going to respond?’”
Equanimity Fosters Healthy Communication
By midlife, many of us recognize that we don’t have much control over how others behave toward us or what happens in our lives; however, we do have some control over how we respond. The equanimity practice helps us respond from a place of calm and wisdom rather than reactivity.
After repeating the equanimity phrases a few times, we can start to see the person or situation more clearly, therefore, making us better equipped to decide how best to respond. We might choose to have a follow-up conversation to discuss our needs or boundaries, or it might be wiser to let it go.
Dr. Meyer Tapia recommends considering the following factors when deciding whether to have a follow-up conversation after a conflict:
- Which choice feels like freedom—having the conversation or letting it go?
- Could a conversation make the situation worse or put you in an unsafe position?
- Will the other person be able to receive the feedback?
- Is the challenging behavior a pattern, or did it happen only once?
- Does not having a follow-up conversation feel like a self-betrayal, or that you’re not standing up for yourself or speaking your needs and boundaries?
- Make a list of what you need and want from this conversation and ask what the other person might need or want.
- Consider showing up to conversations with an open approach that will promote repair, mutual understanding, and resolution—as opposed to trying to convince the other person to see your point of view or that you were “right.”
“Remember, this is your life, and you get to decide how you’re going to spend your precious time and energy,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia.
Respond vs. React
Research shows that when mindfulness practitioners become aware of their emotions, brain activity shifts from the amygdala (an almond-sized region in the center of the brain associated with fight-or-flight) to the pre-frontal cortex (a larger region of the brain located behind the forehead associated with reasoning and wisdom). What this means in real life is that mindfulness can help us respond to challenging situations with grace rather than react from our stress center.
Over time, equanimity practices can help us manage our negative emotions more efficiently, which supports the development of healthy relationships. For example, if we get upset with our partner, rather than reacting in the moment, we can go for a walk, take deep breaths, and repeat the equanimity phrases. Once we’ve regained composure, we can have the hard conversation and communicate our needs from a place of wisdom and clarity rather than a mindset of threat, fear, and blame.
“When we are in reactivity, we talk to people as if they are a threat, and we express our point of view as if our survival is at stake. It’s a primal, often unconscious orientation of, ‘I’ll die if I don’t win, fix this, or get them to agree with my side of the story’,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia. “When we shift into acceptance, however, we can operate from a place of mindful choice. We think, ‘This is who this person is, so how am I going to show up to have the best conversation possible?’”
Dr. Meyer Tapia says this ability to have difficult conversations from a place of equanimity can improve our relationships because we are less likely to say something we might regret and are better able to consider and care for the other person’s needs along with our own.
Equanimity Reduces Co-Dependency
Equanimity can also foster healthier relationships by reducing co-dependent tendencies. To this end, Dr. Meyer Tapia encourages the repetition of these equanimity phrases:
“My joy and my suffering are the result of my thoughts and my actions.”
“Your joy and your suffering are the result of your thoughts and your actions, not my wishes for you.”
Repeating these phrases cultivates non-reactivity in the nervous system since it illuminates and unlocks the co-dependent dynamic of savior-and-victim. The second phrase allows you to release guilt and feel a sense of freedom from the role of a savior, since it acknowledges that you’re not responsible for others’ happiness. You can still wish the people in your life well and offer them support where appropriate, but the choices they make are ultimately theirs.
The first phrase reminds us that the responsibility of our happiness is ours, and ours alone. With repetition, we can start taking ownership and accountability of our well-being, making us less dependent on others to escape suffering or bring us joy. By acknowledging the truth that only we can make ourselves happy, thought patterns of victimhood can begin to be transmuted into empowerment.
“These equanimity phrases empower us to stand on our own two feet and take greater responsibility for our thoughts, words, and actions, which determine our happiness. It also helps us to stay inside ourselves and respect others as separate human beings, capable of making their own decisions,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia.
“This does not mean we don’t care. In fact, we care more because when we stay grounded, sovereign, and nonreactive during challenges, we can be more resourced and compassionate to those around us.”
Equanimity Improves the Relationship with Ourselves
There is a mindfulness-based belief that “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Although we can’t control much of what happens in our lives, we can control how much we resist and wish things were different—which, in turn, determines how much we suffer.
The following formula explains how resistance directly relates to suffering:
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
In this formula, “pain” refers to the unavoidable challenges experienced in life. “Resistance” is any reaction to ward off the pain, such as tensing the body or complaining about wanting the pain to go away. “Suffering” is the physical and emotional tension we add to the pain, layer upon layer.
To lower our resistance toward a challenge, we can repeat these phrases:
“It’s not my circumstances that cause my suffering; it’s my resistance to them that causes me to suffer. Therefore, I can reduce my suffering by accepting circumstances as they are.”
After this acknowledgement, we can return to repeating the previous equanimity phrase:
“Things are as they are; may I accept things just as they are.”
By fully accepting the challenges in our lives, we reduce our resistance to zero, creating the possibility of zero suffering:
Pain x 0 = 0
Knowing that our own resistance causes our own suffering, the next time we are upset, we can ask ourselves, “What am I resisting? What do I wish was different?” and use these phrases to shift into the more empowered mindset of acceptance.
Also, we can hold resistance toward aspects of ourselves. For example, if we are feeling resentful, angry, or jealous in a relationship, rather than judge ourselves, we can repeat the following equanimity phrase:
“I am as I am; may I accept myself just as I am.”
Remember, accepting these aspects of ourselves does not mean we are condoning them or saying that it’s “okay” to express resentment, anger, or jealousy in destructive ways. We are simply shifting our brain activity from self-criticism to self-compassion so we can decide our next steps from a place of reasoning. With regular practice of equanimity, we can uplevel our mindset from living as a victim to living life from our inner strength and power.
“Equanimity offers empowerment, resilience, and freedom. You get to decide how much joy and suffering you experience,” says Dr. Meyer Tapia. “This is your one, wild, and precious life, and no one can make you think or do anything—you get to make those choices. That knowing comes with a lot of responsibility, but there is also so much freedom.”
Click HERE for an equanimity meditation led by Dr. Meyer Tapia.
