“What is it you plan to do with your wild and precious life?”
What if this famous line by poet Mary Oliver was not only relevant to people in their teens, but also in midlife? Given the considerable research on longevity, people are living healthier and longer lives, redefining what it is to be middle-aged. There is an antiquated cultural belief that once a person reaches the age of about 50, it’s too late to reinvent themselves or choose a new path. But now that we are living longer, we have a more expansive sense of time left to experience more joy, meaning, and impact.
“Rather than a midlife crisis, I call this time in our lives a midlife reckoning,” says Barbara Waxman, MS, gerontologist, leadership coach, and Stanford Lifestyle Medicine advisory board member. “Many people come to me worried that it’s too late to re-write their script and to recalibrate their on-going commitment to purpose. The truth is there is no ‘sell by’ date limiting your usefulness when you have decades of life and leadership in front of you.”
Similar to adolescence, Waxman coined the term middlescence as the period between early midlife and later midlife when many transitions occur, such as physical changes, menopause, andropause, empty nest, divorce, and caretaking of parents. With her clients, Waxman promotes the idea that middlescence is not the beginning of the end; rather, it can be a time to re-evaluate how one spends their time, explore different hobbies and careers, and declare a new purpose based on their current values, perspectives, and circumstances.
“Midlife is a perfect time to revisit and reassess choices we’ve made earlier in life that no longer fit,” says Waxman. “We have a better understanding of ourselves and what we care about. We’ve honed our skills, have more confidence, and have more to offer. We might have an inner calling that is shifting us in a different direction.”
What if I Can’t Find My Purpose?
Not everyone has a clear sense of purpose. In fact, many people struggle with “finding” their purpose and feel ashamed for this lack of clarity. But rather than define our purpose based on what is reasonable or practical, Waxman invites us to listen within and ask ourselves what is really important to us.
“Defining your purpose doesn’t come from the brain alone; it also comes from the heart and the gut. So instead of trying to ‘figure it out’, ask yourself, ‘What feels right?’” says Waxman. “When people have a clear sense of purpose, it’s like the wind beneath their wings—there’s an effervescence in how they show up.”
Waxman also says that many people put so much pressure on themselves to have a grandiose purpose, such as saving the environment or ending world hunger, that they don’t acknowledge the importance of the smaller contributions they make every day.
When working with clients, Waxman often references this quote from Mother Theresa: “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”
“The obsession with finding one’s purpose can cause the stress that blocks you from seeing what is right in front of you and what you’re already doing,” says Waxman. “The little things you do each day, such as calling your loved ones or cooking meals for your family, count. I call these your ‘little p’ purposes, which are just as important as your ‘big P’ purpose. And the little p’s add up to create a purposeful life.”
Three Steps to Find Your Purpose in Midlife
When trying to identify our purpose, Waxman recommends that we start small and notice the little things in our lives that bring us joy. Waxman helps us break down the process of finding our “big P” purpose by offering these three journal prompts:
- What sparked joy today?
- What is a skill we have related to this joy?
- What need in the world does this skill fulfill?
Steps 1 and 2 can be defined as our “little p” purposes, leading to step 3—a potential “big P” purpose. For example, in Waxman’s life, working in her vegetable garden sparks joy and she has a skill of cooking (“little p” purposes). She applies this skill while volunteering at a soup kitchen every week, which reduces food waste and feeds the hungry in her community (“big P” purposes).
“Since what brings us joy and our skills change over time, it makes sense that we would have multiple purposes in our lifetimes,” says Waxman. “Living a purposeful life can be as simple as having a sense of gratefulness and being the best you can be every day. These small things are big things—it’s just about recognizing them to be so.”
By Angel Cleare, BS
As we prepare our holiday meals, we may reflect on how this family gathering unfolded last year. It may have started well, with many smiles and joyful conversations of family members sharing what was happening in their lives. But, when everyone sat down at the dinner table, one family member couldn’t stop complaining about the food, and another couldn’t resist voicing their antagonizing opinions. Knowing this may happen again, we may ask ourselves, “What can we do differently this year?”
“As we all know, we can’t control what others say or do, but we have some control over how we react, and this is where mindfulness can help,” says Sharon Brock, MS, member of the Stanford Lifestyle Medicine Gratitude & Purpose pillar and UCLA Certified Mindfulness Facilitator. “By centering yourself with meditation before guests arrive, you can set the tone for harmony. And if conflict still arises, you can practice mindfulness in the moment to help you handle the situation with more composure.”
Brock is the bestselling author of The LOVEE Method, a five-step mindfulness tool to help manage emotions in real-time and bring us into a state of clarity and balance. LOVEE is an acronym that stands for label, observe, value, embrace, and equanimity.
“Let’s say you experience a strong emotion, like anger or anxiety. It can be processed by the mindfulness practices of labeling, observing, valuing, and embracing the emotion. When the emotion has settled, a clearing is created for equanimity to arise,” says Brock.
“Equanimity means having an even-keeled, calm, and balanced mind, which can come in handy when spending the day with challenging in-laws,” says Brock.
How to Respond vs. React
So, what can we do when a disagreeable family member starts talking politics and activates a surge of anger within us? Most people either retaliate with a scathing comment or hold back and swallow their rage. Since neither option is a healthy way to process emotions, Brock offers a third option to transform this difficult emotion with the steps of LOVEE.
“If anger gets activated while seated at the dinner table, rather than be overly expressive or repressive, we can take a deep breath and mentally do the label and observe practices,” says Brock.
When doing the label practice, Brock recommends phrasing the label “anger is rising” rather than “I am angry” so that we create some space between ourselves and the emotion. For the observe practice, Brock advises doing a quick body scan to locate and observe the emotion as a sensation in the body. She shares that observing our emotions allows us to recognize that they are temporary experiences, not permanent states. Knowing that the emotion will eventually pass can help us stay calm in the moment.
“Emotions are energies in motion; they are not personal,” says Brock. “When we don’t identify with our emotions and we simply observe them as fluid sensations in the body, we are acknowledging the emotions for what they actually are—energies in the body that rise and fall, come and go.”
Brock offers these scripts to say to ourselves in the heat of the moment to soothe our emotions:
- “Anger is rising. I feel the sensation of my heart beating fast. I take a deep breath, observe the sensation, and not react. I may respond after the emotion has passed.”
- “Anxiety is rising. I feel the sensation of clenching in my stomach. I take a deep breath, observe the sensation, and not react. I may respond after the emotion has passed.”
- “Sadness is here. I feel the sensation of heaviness in my chest. I take a deep breath, observe the sensation, and not react. I may respond after the emotion has passed.”
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion
Brock says that the label and observe practices are effective mindfulness techniques for calming ourselves during a time of conflict. However, if the anger remains after the challenging moment has passed, she recommends going through the rest of the steps of the LOVEE Method as a formal meditation.
After label and observe, the value and embrace practices bring self-compassion into the meditation, which research shows offers psychological healing. During the value practice, we accept our emotions as natural aspects of the human condition, acknowledging that others would feel the same in the given situation. We also value our emotions because they have something to tell us, such as revealing a desire for harmony within the family.
Self-compassion deepens with the embrace practice. Here, we give our emotion a “hug” and say to ourselves, “I see you. I hear you. What do you need?” When working with anger, the need is often for respect. In this case, Brock recommends putting both hands on the heart and saying to ourselves, “I respect you.”
“Acknowledging that we are not alone and offering ourselves what we need helps soothe our emotions. With these practices, we are offering ourselves compassion and we are learning to take care of ourselves emotionally,” says Brock. “Over time, self-compassion practices help us to meet our own emotional needs, which fosters independence, resilience, and self-confidence.”
Cultivating Equanimity
After we have processed the emotion with the practices of label, observe, value, and embrace, the final step is equanimity. Here, we return our attention to the original person or circumstance that activated the intense emotion.
During this step, Brock invites us to repeat the equanimity phrase: “Things are as they are, may I accept things just as they are.” Or, in the case of the difficult family member: “They are who they are, may I accept them just as they are.”
Brock clarifies that accepting is not the same as condoning someone’s behavior or implying that the circumstance is morally right; rather the purpose of repeating these phrases is to bring our nervous system into balance and cultivate equanimity in our psyche.
“Equanimity is not about stepping back and not taking action; rather it allows us to take wise action from a place of calm and reasoning,” says Brock. “With an equanimous state of mind, we release resistance and resentment, and we are better able to navigate challenging circumstances with strength and grace.”
Click here to listen to the LOVEE Method meditation or here to learn more about Brock’s mindfulness offerings.
By Meagan Matthews, BS
Do you tend to have pessimistic thoughts throughout the day? Do you wish you had a more optimistic outlook? Incorporating this one habit might be the key to unlocking a more positive headspace, and it only takes three seconds.
“The Maui Habit” was created by BJ Fogg, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of Tiny Habits and founder of Stanford’s Behavior Design Lab. It goes like this: as soon as your feet hit the ground in the morning, you say to yourself, “It’s going to be a great day.” This habit is named after the Hawaiian island of Maui because Dr. Fogg associates this island with positivity and optimism. Though it may sound too simple to make a big impact, Dr. Fogg and those who have implemented the habit can attest to the difference it makes.
“I find this practice helpful, even on my worst days,” says Dr. Fogg. “When I’m worried about the day ahead, this statement–even when I say it with a question in my voice–seems to open the door just a crack to actually having a good day.”
The Neuroscience of Habitual Positive Thinking
A key aspect of our ability to create new habits is neuroplasticity, which describes the brain’s ability to perceive, respond, and adapt to external cues. The adaptation stems from what many researchers refer to as an action-outcome association. If an outcome is negative, you are likely to change your action to promote a positive outcome instead. This positive outcome reinforces the new action, and over time, it becomes almost automated, or a habit.
Researchers have found that our thoughts can alter the relationship between brain physiology and its influence on our well-being. Positive thoughts are accompanied by the release of oxytocin, a “feel good” hormone that functions like a positive outcome. Once positive thinking becomes a habit, it can improve your overall self conception. A 2013 meta analysis of 39 studies found that repeated exposure to a form of positive psychological intervention improved participants’ perception of well-being.
So how effective is “The Maui Habit” on improving your outlook? Dr. Fogg says that the most effective habit is the one which “happens in the morning, is really easy to do, […] and makes you feel good.”
Practice of the Month:
Do “The Maui Habit” Every Morning for 30 Days
Step 1: Identify the cue.
Dr. Fogg recommends this be when your feet first touch the floor. Others prefer it be when they first look in the mirror. What’s important is that it works for you!
Step 2: In your mind, say the phrase: “It’s going to be a great day.”
When the day ahead seems to be particularly difficult, Dr. Fogg recommends saying, “It’s going to be a great day, somehow.”
Step 3: Pause to feel the positive emotions.
Take a moment to let the optimistic feelings resulting from the phrase really sink in, then carry on with the rest of your day!
You might be surprised by just how quickly this little phrase becomes automatic (it may only take a few days!) and how it starts to impact your overall approach to life. Dr. Fogg says, “With this morning practice, you are setting an upward trajectory for your day. Rather than spiraling downward, you can continue to lift.”